It's all come down to this...

Official book launch tomorrow, in Hughes & Hughes St Stephen's Green. I can't believe I'm having my own launch for Dying to Survive. Especially when you think of the journey I've been on over the past 14 years. Unbelievable!

It's at times like this I think of all the people who helped get me here. So thank you God, my backbone, because without you to turn to for strength and guidance, I would no doubt be either lost or dead.

To my beautiful son, Senan, who brings so much magic and happiness into my life. You came into my life for a reason and you give me every incentive to be the best that I can possibly be. I love you so much.

For fourteen years, beginning at the tender age of eleven, I put every drug I could think of inside my body. 

Now it's over. 

What people think they know

I've just spent the last half hour reading some comments about me and my book on various online forums. It's gas but people feel they can write anything online. I think they wouldn't dare say most of it to your face. 

One person writes about Dying to Survive: "You know what i believe your intentions are good...but im sorry im done really how these wonderful sorry addicts turned their lives around and got back into main stream..who gives a ****..they shouldnt have done drugs to start with..and i for one arent going to line their pockets..........gimme a good fiction anytime"

You know, it takes all sorts!

Sky News documentary

Sky News are making a new documentary about my story and the book, following on from the first one they did in 2006 and another film in 2007.

I did a search on Google and found the 2007 documentary. You can have a look at it here.

Only three days to the book launch - can't wait!

What it was like back then...

In 2006 I was so desperate to get off drugs I went public with my situation. Sky News became interested and a reporter called Alison O'Reilly made a documentary about me (we went on to become friends, that's her on the left with me).

This is what we spoke about three years ago:

Rachael Keogh: It’s become all I know, really, to be honest, erm, when I wake up in the morning like, I’m really, really sick, you know, I literally can’t get out of bed. Until, unless I have heroin in my system.

Alison O’Reilly: You were fifteen when you first injected heroin.

R: Yeah.

A: You’re 26 now going on 27, and you’re still using heroin.

R: Yeah.

A: What’s those years been like for you?

R: An absolute nightmare. An absolute nightmare because, you know, I start to kind of, erm, you know, the consequences of using drugs, erm, happened very quickly, you know when my family found out, like they were absolutely devastated. I don’t think anyone wants to be a drug addict, you know or to do the things that they have to do in order to feed your habit you know, erm, but, like when I tried to get clean, I couldn’t do it.

A: What is that on your arms?

R: Well, because I’ve been using for so long I literally have, I’ve no veins left. And erm, there’s ah, I’d be routing around for veins and you could easily mistake a capillary for a vein and the capillaries are so small that they can’t handle the heroin. What happens is the heroin burns through the capillaries and, erm, I have, I literally have black necrosis, erm, all over both my arms.

A: How does that make you feel? Does that make you feel frightened?

R: It does yeah, because I’m, I’m terrified. I’m terrified of losing my arms. I don’t want to be using drugs (sobs). You know, I don’t want to. I have no veins in my body like, it’s an absolute nightmare, like I don’t want to be using drugs, I really don’t. I mean and I have to go off now later on and I have to do whatever I have to do to get the drugs and it’s like all your morals go out the window. You know, it’s like, I mean, my family instilled a lot of goodness in me, I’m not a. I’m not a scumbag and in my heart and soul I’m a good person you know, but when it comes to drugs all my morals go out the window. And I do whatever I have to do to get drugs, you know.

A: What’s out there to help you get through this really bad situation that you’re in?

R: What I need now at the moment is, erm, I need to be hospitalized. And I rang, I rang a few places and they told me that, you know, you know,  I was going to have to go on a waiting list and I says look at the way it is, you know, by the time I go on, if I go on the waiting list, by the time I get into the place I’ll be dead at that stage. Or else I’ll have no arms.

 A: Do you really think that you could die?

 R: Oh, without a doubt. I genuinely know for a fact, I know for a fact. I’m actually surprised that I’m still sitting here. You know, I think I’m really being looked after. If I didn’t have the family I have I think I would be well, well dead, you know. Because, you know because, erm, the state I’m in physically, you know, your body can only take so much, erm, and the doctors are serious like they’ve warned me, they told me “you’re going to lose your arms if you continue to use. You are going, we’re going to have to amputate your arms.”

 A: But you just can’t stop yourself?

R: I just can’t stop, I mean, I’ve, you know, gone so far with the drugs and I’m so sick that I just don’t have the strength to do it on my own. I need help. You know, I mean never in a million years did I think my arms would end up like this, you know. From drugs, and it really upsets me every time I look at them, you know. But, erm, my God I would, I would give anything to be able to get clean. Because I know that I have the potential to do a lot more with my life, you know.

 

Selling the book

Writing my book had a lot of knock-on effects, one of them being that I had to get used to reading what other people think of me and the book. 

The publishers, Gill & Macmillan, have done a brilliant job promoting Dying to Survive. Here's what the publicity material says:

"'Through sheer grit and determination she pulled herself out of the hell she was living in… what an achievement. She is an inspiration.’ - Allison O’Reilly, Sky News

In her early twenties, Rachael Keogh was a desperate heroin addict. Her addiction to the drug took her to a place about as low as a person can go. She had grown up in Ballymun in difficult family circumstances and had, like many others, succumbed to the lure of drugs during her teenage years. Heroin nearly killed her.

By the time she eventually went into recovery, after a number of false starts, her arms were shrivelled, withered and blackened from the effects of repeated injections. She had suffered every degradation possible. But miraculously she managed to stop.

 This is Rachael Keogh’s own story written in her own words. She is now twenty-nine, a student of psychotherapy, an attractive and optimistic young woman. Her story is a remarkable account of recovery from the very edge of personal destruction. It is a heart-lifting story of personal human redemption."

If I can do it anyone can

Learning to live without drugs after being dependent on them for so long is like being a baby again and the need to learn everything from scratch can be difficult. 

I’m extremely positive and excited about the future and the possibilities that are open to me. There are a lot of things I want to do.  

There is such a huge stigma attached to drug addicts but I want to try and create as much awareness as possible and to prevent the problem from always being swept under the carpet.

I am looking forward to so many things in the future but I’m even more content with how things are going right now.

The level of support and response to my plea for help was unbelievable which I’m eternally grateful for – it’s something I will never forget.

I’m even more grateful to those who doubted me because in times when I struggled to get off drugs and stay off them, I used those people who insisted I wouldn’t get clean as an incentive to push me to where I am now.

I feel really blessed to have the opportunity to share my experiences with people and if nothing else my story might have touched someone who is still suffering from addiction and give them the courage to become drug-free.

I was convinced I was destined to die from drugs yet I’m still here in one piece with everything to look forward to.

If I can do it anyone can.

Why a book?

My journey so far has been truly amazing. So much has changed in such a short space of time that my life sometimes seems surreal, but in the same breath I have never felt so grounded and fulfilled.

Dragging myself out of fourteen years of active addiction and a sub-human existence has given me great confidence and faith in my own abilities.

I feel I can do anything I put my mind to. The last couple of years have been a living nightmare but I have absolutely no regrets and I genuinely wouldn’t change a thing.

Some people might find this difficult to understand but in coming so close to death and almost losing my arms I sincerely appreciate my life and the freedom I now have from drugs.

My arms are no longer open wounds. They have healed very well but will still need extensive plastic surgery. 
I am hoping a doctor out there who learns about my plight may someday come forward and volunteer to work on my arms. It would be a wonderful gift.

The summer is coming and I would love to wear short sleeves again.

Everyday is a stark reminder of how out of control my addiction to drugs has been which naturally saddens me, but at the moment I’m just happy I still have my arms.

I hope I never forget where I’ve come from because my experiences are what make me who I am right now, if nothing else I have a lot of character and an interesting tale to tell.

Little Senán

There are 16 pages of photos in  my book. This is the pic that appears on page 16. It's of my son Senán with his dad, Patrick. As I say in the caption of another photo of Sená

n: 'He was worth it all."

Age 14. Heroin.

It was though he could read my mind. 'Just don't think about it. It's not going to kill ye,' he reassured me, as he began to burn the heroin. The little brown blob of heroin rolled its way down the tin foil. After doing two or three lines, I could feel it taking hold. It crawled its way through my body, wrapping me up in a warm, cosy blanket and holding me protectively like a mother. Making me feel like a baby again. This was the feeling I had longed for all my life. I instantly fell in love.

Getting nearer the big day...

Now that the book is written (and printed at this stage) I'm getting ready for the launch party, which is on next week. That should be fun, family and friends together for a bit of a bash.

Writing a book like Dying to Survive was easy in one way, in that it's all true so the words flowed out of me (most of the time!). On the other hand, there's a lot of stuff in there about my family. I hope they don't mind that, but if the book was to be anyway honest it had to be a 'warts and all' account of what addiction is like. 

Extract from my book....Age 12

I wonder does it shock people that 12 year olds smoke hash?

This is me, in 1992:

I could feel the warmth of the fire as we entered our new hideout, a basement shed under the eight-storey block. The sound of UB40 came from the stereo, while Steo and Snarts and some other friends sat on crates, skinning up spliffs and laughing amongst themselves. Steo's face looked soft by the light of the fire. Before I knew it I had forgotten all about my da. I could no longer understand what people were saying. Everything was becoming a blur. But it didn't matter - I was with Steo and no-one could hurt me.

The needle poised...

I'm looking at a publicity brochure Gill & Macmillan  have designed to help launch by book Dying to Survive. It starts with the year 2009 and has a nice picture of me smiling at the camera, with the words happy, healthy and everything to live for written across the bottom of the page. 

Each page then tracks back through the years, 2006 (picture of me and my awful looking arms), 1996.....1995....1994.... all the way back to 1987. This is Rachael, seven years old. Model student, fan of teddy bears. 

Happy, healthy and everything to live for.

It's the journey from 1987 and the little girl to 2009 and the 29 year old mum that makes the book, I hope, an interesting read.

A life gone unexamined,is a life not worth living

That's my favourite quotation, kinda sums up where I'm at right now. There's no way you could say my life has gone unexamined, the new book is as honest an account about what happened to me over the past 20 years as I could make it. 

With the launch date fast approaching, I'm nervous and excited all at the same time.

A long, long way

From there to here.... can you believe it? The pic on the left is from a Sky News documentary in 2007 about me and my efforts to kick my drug habit. The pic up above is from a magazine photo shoot, can you believe the difference? 

How to start a book

My book Dying to Survive is coming out in the next couple of weeks.

I wondered how best to start the opening chapter. Honesty is the best policy, I thought, so I went with this:

My name is Rachael. I'm smartly dressed, a college student and the mother of a gorgeous baby boy. I have everything I want in life: work I like, the support of my family and friends, my son. I'm a normal twenty-nine-year-old, but I'm also a recovering heroin addict.

What do you think? I feel it's too the point, let the reader know what they're in for. 

Addict

People who have never taken drugs must wonder how someone ends up an addict. The best way I can explain it is this way:

Imagine feeling like you are wrapped up in cotton wool. You feel so safe, like no one can hurt you. That's what it's like when you take heroin, it's so overwhelming it's very hard to stop, it takes away all your cares.

I took so many drugs that at one stage the doctors said my arms might have to be amputated. That's how bad it got. The journey from there to here is hard to believe (even for me!) but it's the journey I've taken over the past few years. 

Back from the Dead

I like that title - Back from the Dead. The newspapers used it as a headline a couple of years ago when I went public about my drug addiction. 

That's me in a picture (left) taken three years ago. I've come a long way since then. I prefer my profile pic!

Anyway, I wanted to write a blog, so here I am. 

My book, Dying to Survive, is coming out in a few weeks. It's an exciting time with interviews set up with people like Gerry Ryan and Matt Cooper. It seems like a good idea to write it all down. 

I'll be posting a couple of times a day - all about the book, what's happening now and, of course, what life was like back in the grim old days. 

Writing the book was a big challenge. I'm not used to locking myself away for hours on end, but but it was worth it in the end.