A superb memoir

Not my words, but the review in the Belfast Telegraph. Looks like Dying to Survive is making an impact north of the border.

"She writes in her superb memoir, Dying to Survive, that she suddenly felt confident. “I wasn’t going to play a role others had chosen ... I would be myself, rotten arms and all, and if you didn’t like it, you could ‘Kiss my a**e.’”

Reading her journey from 15-year-old heroin addict to recovering twentysomething mother, the defiance is understandable.

Rachael had been used and abused by men, dealers and society since embarking on her slippery slope just after primary school. Normally, 29 might be considered rather young to produce an autobiography, but Rachael has more than enough incident to fill a TV biopic or movie.

“Yes, that’s true,” she agrees, “although I haven’t been approached yet. There is loads of plot there. If I had to choose somebody to play me, it would be Mena Suvari from American Beauty — she’s quirky.”

But, Rachael adds in her light Dublin accent, she’s still trying to get her head round having produced a book. “It was traumatic to write ...”

A must read

Surfing online I found this review on Amazon about Dying to Survive.

"Very easy read. One of those where you can't put the book down once you start reading.Particularly chilling given that I live in Ireland. Refreshingly honest. I cannot bring myself to read fiction and when you have books like this to read why would you?. And it has a happy ending!.A must read for any parent."

Number One on the Bestseller list

Just heard the great news that Dying to Survive is Number One on the Irish Bestseller list! It's amazing!! Only a few weeks ago I posted that the book was at number two. I didn't think it would climb to the number one spot.

Thanks again to everyone who helped with the book: From the publisher Gill & Macmillan to all of you out there who actually bought the book.

Many thanks xxx

Family photo

This is a pic of me and my Mam. Lots of water under the bridge and it's good to have come out the other end.

Still selling

The news about Dying to Survive is really good. It's still selling well and the publishers are very happy with its progress.

Thanks to everyone who has bought the book:)

One day at a time...

The fear of failure is always there, but with each passing day spent clean and sober the worry that I will go back to the old ways recedes. Looking back at an old documentary reminds me of falling off the wagon.

At one stage in the documentary, I break down when remembering a previous failure to get clean - a four-year stretch at one stage.

"I genuinely wanted to, but I just wasn't ready for it. I have to learn to my love myself and do the right thing by me now, but it's very painful.

"This is why I was afraid to give up the drugs because I knew all this stuff would come up and every time I got clean before, I never connected with all this stuff. I could talk the talk but it was always only on a head level."

That was two years ago, a lifetime.

I like this post!

From my Facebook page:

Jennifer Egan Hi Rachael, in the middle of reading the book now...congrats on it!i bought the last copy on the shelf in easons in the square on monday....hope it gets to number one:)

May 9 at 1:44am · Comment

Sold out!

Just heard that Gill & Macmillan has sold the entire first print run of Dying to Survive! They're printing more books as I write!!

All in the family

I suppose a lot of drug addicts blame their families for their addiction. I've tried to get across in the book that this isn't the case with me.

As John Spain in the Irish Independent says:

"The description of her descent into this hell over several chapters is a unique insight into what life was like for many kids in Ballymun at the time. The towers were known as 'The Devil's Playground', with gangs of feral kids in abandoned flats shooting up.

But her book is also a revealing insight into the mind of the addict. You realise that her family was not as uncaring as she thinks.

They made endless attempts to help her, even as she turned their lives into a nightmare -- lying, robbing, bringing her grandparents to the edge of a complete breakdown.

The extraordinary efforts by the extended family to help her included bringing her abroad three times for treatment. But she frustrated all efforts, relapsing again and again in a messy cycle of detox and overdose that went on for years and must have been heartbreaking for those around her.

And all the time she blamed her internal hurt and despair on being abandoned by her mother. All the time She saw the world through the skewed, self- centred, self-pitying vision of the junkie.

The reality is that her mother was not perfect, but it was not all her fault and she was there for Rachael in the end. It is to Rachael's credit that she shows this clearly in the book."

Little rich kid?

It's funny how people pick up things completely the wrong way. I've heard from a friend there is one of those online forums where they are discussing my book. Apparently after a few posts describing the life I led and my battle to stay off drugs, one poster wrote: "Well, she comes from a rich family..."

Unbelievable! Us and all the other families on the famous Ballymun millionaire's row!!

The beginning of the end

July 2006. That was the beginning of the end for me and drugs. I was arrested fir shoplifting and knew a weekend in the cells lay ahead. Worse, a weekend without drugs. 

For the next few hours I couldn't feel anything as the last fix of heroin left my body. 

Eventually a garda arrived to tell me eight bench warrants were outstanding against me. I would appear in court the following Tuesday. I couldn't get any methadone so braced myself for the longest few days of my life.

Redemption story

There was a great review of Dying to Survive in the Irish Independent last week. The paper's book editor, John Spain, said: 

"This is the best book by far about the drugs explosion in Dublin, about the inadequacy of treatment facilities and about the mindset of a young junkie"

I'm over the moon with the review, there seems to be a real momentum building with the book, what with all the radio interviews, Sky News doing a report and now this glowing review.

Another part of the review says:

"It's only by managing to come out the other end, by becoming "the girl with the arms", that Rachael Keogh has managed to stay around to write it. Many of her peers were not so lucky.

After the media frenzy generated by her picture and TV appearance, Rachael was back in court on an outstanding warrant for shoplifting and back in prison. By then there was widespread awareness of her plight., no doubt helped by the media coverage of her case.

It took months, but eventually she got a place first in the Cuan Dara detox unit in Cherry Orchard Hospital and then in Keltoi, the recovery facility in the Phoenix Park. She was clean and on her way... and full of gratitude for those all the people who helped her, whom she names.

She is still clean. She is now in college studying psychotherapy. Her arms still bear the scars ... but they have healed. The arms that saved her."

You can read the full review here.

A big thank you

Just wanted to say a big thanks to everyone who helped getting Dying to Survive published. It took a lot of effort but was well worth it in the end.

Thanks again! 

Number two on bestseller list!!

Wow, just found out that Dying to Survive is Number Two on the Irish Bestseller list for non-fiction books. I can't believe it, all that hard work writing the book seems to have paid off.

Thanks to everyone who has gone out and bought a copy!

What the book means to me

Here are a few reasons why I wrote Dying to Survive

1) To move on, with my son, to a future I thought I would never see

2) To understand why I became an addict

3) To forgive myself and my family

4) To close this chapter on my life 

How I kicked the habit

People always ask me how I managed to get off drugs. Like many other drug users I found comfort and support in Narcotics Anonymous. It was at the daily meetings where I met others just like me or who had travelled the road before me, and who didn't judge me.

I also found a rehabilitation  centre where, in a gentle and non-judgemental environment, I learned to conquer my demons . I learned to find hope in small things, in the mundanity of everyday life, in the little routines I had shunned for so long. I came to realise it wasn't the drugs that were holding me back in a life I had come to hate - it was me, and only I could change things.

I used to wonder how on earth people could cope with life without drugs and now I know. Life has given me so much more since I stopped taking heroin. I stuck with the rehab and remained clean far longer than the six months which I had managed before. 

More later....

More publicity

Last week Sky News cameras followed me around Dublin as the book was launched. Its website has a page about me here

It also has a short news video with an interview here

There are some comments from Sky News viewers:

• ""I find this statement by Rachael Keogh rather perplexing..... My priority even now is still to stay clean." This MUST be her EVERY DAY priority, for the rest of her life!! ""

  Thats a very harsh thing 2 say , cuz that priority SURE BEATS wanting to find drugs as an every day priority, i truley respect and honor those who go clean cuz it dose take courige and a sharp mind...not to bad for an addict. cheers shorts.

  Posted By :salahREPORT THIS

• Completely pointless. She wouldn't have paid any attention to such a book when she was an addict.

  Posted By :MarkREPORT THIS

• Rachel is trying to open peoples minds to the actual horror of a drug addiction, hopefully this book will save the lives of some people that choose that path. Drugs are now available and accessable more then ever and no ones family or friends are untouchable.

  Well done rachel for getting clean, I am looking foward to Reading your book and I hope you have the strength to enjoy a healthy lifestyle with your child.

Sunday World

Big four-page spread in the Sunday World yesterday. It's great publicity for the book and the sort of exposure most new authors don't get.

It was, of course, the full tabloid treatment with big headlines, loads of pictures and as scandalising as they could make it. 

The headline spread across the first two pages read: "I could spend over 13 hours desperately trying to get the heroin into me. I sadistically found this ritual pleasurable."

The headline for pages three and four was: "My mum tore my cardigan off and swore at me... take a look at your f**king arms Rachael. Look at them."

Salvation of a smack addict

The book is out there, just waiting to read the first reviews. I hope they go gently on me!

There's another documentary available online, may after my son was born. You can watch it here.

Going public

The book launch, Gerry Ryan, all the other interviews that go with a book launch. Of course, this isn't the first time I've had to talk to the media.

Back in 2006 my mum took pictures of my rotting arms and sent them to a few journalists.

Alison O'Reilly from Sky made a documentary, this is what she wrote a year later in 2007:

She was dying from heroin addiction when I interviewed her in July 2006. The 27 year old from Ballymun in Dublin had been caught up in the grips of drug abuse for 14 years and she didn't have the strength to fight her demons anymore.

Rachael and her family knew it was only a matter of time before her body gave up. She told me she was better off dead.

Her arms were destroyed from injecting. The veins in her body had collapsed and she was now injecting into capillaries which weren't strong enough to handle the heroin, so the citric acid had burned huge holes in her arms.

Her mother Lynda released shocking pictures of the open wounds in the hope Rachael would be hospitalised.

We both got on from the start and I decided to investigate drug treatment facilities in Dublin and try to understand why Rachael wasn't getting the proper treatment she needed.

There are approximately 13,000 drug addicts in Dublin alone and only 20 detox beds. The first step when trying to get off drugs is a stabilisation or methadone programme.

Everyday Rachael works on a 12 step programme.

"Imagine feeling like you are wrapped up in cotton wool. You feel so safe, like no one can hurt you. That's what it's like when you take heroin, it's so overwhelming it's very hard to stop, it takes away all your cares".

Rachael put so much pressure on herself to get clean.  She never stopped trying going from the methadone clinic and then to see her counsellor.

She remained positive through sheer grit and determination but she often broke down when she found it difficult to cope.

Last month Judge Cormac Dunne acquitted Rachael on eight counts of shoplifting and said she was a "role model" for all acutely addicted persons.  She didn't receive probation or a conviction, and he congratulated Rachael on her efforts to rehabilitate herself.

The girl with the arms...

What a day!

It started with an hour-long interview on the Gerry Ryan show and finished with my book launch later in the evening. 

The interview with Gerry went really well. I don't suppose too many people get an hour of his show to promote their book, so hopefully that's an indication of the interest there is in Dying to Survive.

Gerry called me the 'girl with the arms', which, I suppose, is how a lot of people remember me from the Sky News documentaries. "It looks like you've been savaged by a wild animal" was his own way of putting things. I just explained that I would have to leave it another while before I got any work done on them, as the doctors said you have to be clean a few years before work can begin.

So, as I said, we spoke for an hour. Everything was covered, from starting out with drink and hash through acid and then heroin. Gerry couldn't believe I took acid every day for a year. "You're brain must have been fried!"

The official launch of the book took place in Hughes & Hughes in St Stephens Green Shopping Centre later that evening. There were loads of people there. Faces from my past and present. Fr Peter McVerry was the guest speaker and he said some lovely things. He mentioned he doesn't have much time to read books but he started reading mine Sunday night and couldn't put it down! He finished it the same night.

I said a few words also. I was a bit nervous but just spoke about why I wrote the book and what it means to me. As I've mentioned before, the journey from there to here is amazing. In my speech I said that three years ago I was hooked on drugs and getting barred from my local shopping centre. I nearly died.

Now I'm clean and a published author. It took me 16 months to write the book and I had to live like a hermit to get it finished but I wanted to show people there is hope. 

I finished by thanking all the people that have helped me, particularly my family, who never gave up hope either.

I should have a few pics from the launch up on the site soon. That's all for now. Make sure you watch out for a new documentary about me on Sky News over the Bank Holiday weekend.

And another thing.... Eason's have made Dying to Survive its Book of the Month for May. 

Can you believe it?  

It's all come down to this...

Official book launch tomorrow, in Hughes & Hughes St Stephen's Green. I can't believe I'm having my own launch for Dying to Survive. Especially when you think of the journey I've been on over the past 14 years. Unbelievable!

It's at times like this I think of all the people who helped get me here. So thank you God, my backbone, because without you to turn to for strength and guidance, I would no doubt be either lost or dead.

To my beautiful son, Senan, who brings so much magic and happiness into my life. You came into my life for a reason and you give me every incentive to be the best that I can possibly be. I love you so much.

For fourteen years, beginning at the tender age of eleven, I put every drug I could think of inside my body. 

Now it's over. 

What people think they know

I've just spent the last half hour reading some comments about me and my book on various online forums. It's gas but people feel they can write anything online. I think they wouldn't dare say most of it to your face. 

One person writes about Dying to Survive: "You know what i believe your intentions are good...but im sorry im done really how these wonderful sorry addicts turned their lives around and got back into main stream..who gives a ****..they shouldnt have done drugs to start with..and i for one arent going to line their pockets..........gimme a good fiction anytime"

You know, it takes all sorts!

Sky News documentary

Sky News are making a new documentary about my story and the book, following on from the first one they did in 2006 and another film in 2007.

I did a search on Google and found the 2007 documentary. You can have a look at it here.

Only three days to the book launch - can't wait!

What it was like back then...

In 2006 I was so desperate to get off drugs I went public with my situation. Sky News became interested and a reporter called Alison O'Reilly made a documentary about me (we went on to become friends, that's her on the left with me).

This is what we spoke about three years ago:

Rachael Keogh: It’s become all I know, really, to be honest, erm, when I wake up in the morning like, I’m really, really sick, you know, I literally can’t get out of bed. Until, unless I have heroin in my system.

Alison O’Reilly: You were fifteen when you first injected heroin.

R: Yeah.

A: You’re 26 now going on 27, and you’re still using heroin.

R: Yeah.

A: What’s those years been like for you?

R: An absolute nightmare. An absolute nightmare because, you know, I start to kind of, erm, you know, the consequences of using drugs, erm, happened very quickly, you know when my family found out, like they were absolutely devastated. I don’t think anyone wants to be a drug addict, you know or to do the things that they have to do in order to feed your habit you know, erm, but, like when I tried to get clean, I couldn’t do it.

A: What is that on your arms?

R: Well, because I’ve been using for so long I literally have, I’ve no veins left. And erm, there’s ah, I’d be routing around for veins and you could easily mistake a capillary for a vein and the capillaries are so small that they can’t handle the heroin. What happens is the heroin burns through the capillaries and, erm, I have, I literally have black necrosis, erm, all over both my arms.

A: How does that make you feel? Does that make you feel frightened?

R: It does yeah, because I’m, I’m terrified. I’m terrified of losing my arms. I don’t want to be using drugs (sobs). You know, I don’t want to. I have no veins in my body like, it’s an absolute nightmare, like I don’t want to be using drugs, I really don’t. I mean and I have to go off now later on and I have to do whatever I have to do to get the drugs and it’s like all your morals go out the window. You know, it’s like, I mean, my family instilled a lot of goodness in me, I’m not a. I’m not a scumbag and in my heart and soul I’m a good person you know, but when it comes to drugs all my morals go out the window. And I do whatever I have to do to get drugs, you know.

A: What’s out there to help you get through this really bad situation that you’re in?

R: What I need now at the moment is, erm, I need to be hospitalized. And I rang, I rang a few places and they told me that, you know, you know,  I was going to have to go on a waiting list and I says look at the way it is, you know, by the time I go on, if I go on the waiting list, by the time I get into the place I’ll be dead at that stage. Or else I’ll have no arms.

 A: Do you really think that you could die?

 R: Oh, without a doubt. I genuinely know for a fact, I know for a fact. I’m actually surprised that I’m still sitting here. You know, I think I’m really being looked after. If I didn’t have the family I have I think I would be well, well dead, you know. Because, you know because, erm, the state I’m in physically, you know, your body can only take so much, erm, and the doctors are serious like they’ve warned me, they told me “you’re going to lose your arms if you continue to use. You are going, we’re going to have to amputate your arms.”

 A: But you just can’t stop yourself?

R: I just can’t stop, I mean, I’ve, you know, gone so far with the drugs and I’m so sick that I just don’t have the strength to do it on my own. I need help. You know, I mean never in a million years did I think my arms would end up like this, you know. From drugs, and it really upsets me every time I look at them, you know. But, erm, my God I would, I would give anything to be able to get clean. Because I know that I have the potential to do a lot more with my life, you know.

 

Selling the book

Writing my book had a lot of knock-on effects, one of them being that I had to get used to reading what other people think of me and the book. 

The publishers, Gill & Macmillan, have done a brilliant job promoting Dying to Survive. Here's what the publicity material says:

"'Through sheer grit and determination she pulled herself out of the hell she was living in… what an achievement. She is an inspiration.’ - Allison O’Reilly, Sky News

In her early twenties, Rachael Keogh was a desperate heroin addict. Her addiction to the drug took her to a place about as low as a person can go. She had grown up in Ballymun in difficult family circumstances and had, like many others, succumbed to the lure of drugs during her teenage years. Heroin nearly killed her.

By the time she eventually went into recovery, after a number of false starts, her arms were shrivelled, withered and blackened from the effects of repeated injections. She had suffered every degradation possible. But miraculously she managed to stop.

 This is Rachael Keogh’s own story written in her own words. She is now twenty-nine, a student of psychotherapy, an attractive and optimistic young woman. Her story is a remarkable account of recovery from the very edge of personal destruction. It is a heart-lifting story of personal human redemption."

If I can do it anyone can

Learning to live without drugs after being dependent on them for so long is like being a baby again and the need to learn everything from scratch can be difficult. 

I’m extremely positive and excited about the future and the possibilities that are open to me. There are a lot of things I want to do.  

There is such a huge stigma attached to drug addicts but I want to try and create as much awareness as possible and to prevent the problem from always being swept under the carpet.

I am looking forward to so many things in the future but I’m even more content with how things are going right now.

The level of support and response to my plea for help was unbelievable which I’m eternally grateful for – it’s something I will never forget.

I’m even more grateful to those who doubted me because in times when I struggled to get off drugs and stay off them, I used those people who insisted I wouldn’t get clean as an incentive to push me to where I am now.

I feel really blessed to have the opportunity to share my experiences with people and if nothing else my story might have touched someone who is still suffering from addiction and give them the courage to become drug-free.

I was convinced I was destined to die from drugs yet I’m still here in one piece with everything to look forward to.

If I can do it anyone can.

Why a book?

My journey so far has been truly amazing. So much has changed in such a short space of time that my life sometimes seems surreal, but in the same breath I have never felt so grounded and fulfilled.

Dragging myself out of fourteen years of active addiction and a sub-human existence has given me great confidence and faith in my own abilities.

I feel I can do anything I put my mind to. The last couple of years have been a living nightmare but I have absolutely no regrets and I genuinely wouldn’t change a thing.

Some people might find this difficult to understand but in coming so close to death and almost losing my arms I sincerely appreciate my life and the freedom I now have from drugs.

My arms are no longer open wounds. They have healed very well but will still need extensive plastic surgery. 
I am hoping a doctor out there who learns about my plight may someday come forward and volunteer to work on my arms. It would be a wonderful gift.

The summer is coming and I would love to wear short sleeves again.

Everyday is a stark reminder of how out of control my addiction to drugs has been which naturally saddens me, but at the moment I’m just happy I still have my arms.

I hope I never forget where I’ve come from because my experiences are what make me who I am right now, if nothing else I have a lot of character and an interesting tale to tell.

Little Senán

There are 16 pages of photos in  my book. This is the pic that appears on page 16. It's of my son Senán with his dad, Patrick. As I say in the caption of another photo of Sená

n: 'He was worth it all."

Age 14. Heroin.

It was though he could read my mind. 'Just don't think about it. It's not going to kill ye,' he reassured me, as he began to burn the heroin. The little brown blob of heroin rolled its way down the tin foil. After doing two or three lines, I could feel it taking hold. It crawled its way through my body, wrapping me up in a warm, cosy blanket and holding me protectively like a mother. Making me feel like a baby again. This was the feeling I had longed for all my life. I instantly fell in love.

Getting nearer the big day...

Now that the book is written (and printed at this stage) I'm getting ready for the launch party, which is on next week. That should be fun, family and friends together for a bit of a bash.

Writing a book like Dying to Survive was easy in one way, in that it's all true so the words flowed out of me (most of the time!). On the other hand, there's a lot of stuff in there about my family. I hope they don't mind that, but if the book was to be anyway honest it had to be a 'warts and all' account of what addiction is like. 

Extract from my book....Age 12

I wonder does it shock people that 12 year olds smoke hash?

This is me, in 1992:

I could feel the warmth of the fire as we entered our new hideout, a basement shed under the eight-storey block. The sound of UB40 came from the stereo, while Steo and Snarts and some other friends sat on crates, skinning up spliffs and laughing amongst themselves. Steo's face looked soft by the light of the fire. Before I knew it I had forgotten all about my da. I could no longer understand what people were saying. Everything was becoming a blur. But it didn't matter - I was with Steo and no-one could hurt me.

The needle poised...

I'm looking at a publicity brochure Gill & Macmillan  have designed to help launch by book Dying to Survive. It starts with the year 2009 and has a nice picture of me smiling at the camera, with the words happy, healthy and everything to live for written across the bottom of the page. 

Each page then tracks back through the years, 2006 (picture of me and my awful looking arms), 1996.....1995....1994.... all the way back to 1987. This is Rachael, seven years old. Model student, fan of teddy bears. 

Happy, healthy and everything to live for.

It's the journey from 1987 and the little girl to 2009 and the 29 year old mum that makes the book, I hope, an interesting read.

A life gone unexamined,is a life not worth living

That's my favourite quotation, kinda sums up where I'm at right now. There's no way you could say my life has gone unexamined, the new book is as honest an account about what happened to me over the past 20 years as I could make it. 

With the launch date fast approaching, I'm nervous and excited all at the same time.

A long, long way

From there to here.... can you believe it? The pic on the left is from a Sky News documentary in 2007 about me and my efforts to kick my drug habit. The pic up above is from a magazine photo shoot, can you believe the difference? 

How to start a book

My book Dying to Survive is coming out in the next couple of weeks.

I wondered how best to start the opening chapter. Honesty is the best policy, I thought, so I went with this:

My name is Rachael. I'm smartly dressed, a college student and the mother of a gorgeous baby boy. I have everything I want in life: work I like, the support of my family and friends, my son. I'm a normal twenty-nine-year-old, but I'm also a recovering heroin addict.

What do you think? I feel it's too the point, let the reader know what they're in for. 

Addict

People who have never taken drugs must wonder how someone ends up an addict. The best way I can explain it is this way:

Imagine feeling like you are wrapped up in cotton wool. You feel so safe, like no one can hurt you. That's what it's like when you take heroin, it's so overwhelming it's very hard to stop, it takes away all your cares.

I took so many drugs that at one stage the doctors said my arms might have to be amputated. That's how bad it got. The journey from there to here is hard to believe (even for me!) but it's the journey I've taken over the past few years. 

Back from the Dead

I like that title - Back from the Dead. The newspapers used it as a headline a couple of years ago when I went public about my drug addiction. 

That's me in a picture (left) taken three years ago. I've come a long way since then. I prefer my profile pic!

Anyway, I wanted to write a blog, so here I am. 

My book, Dying to Survive, is coming out in a few weeks. It's an exciting time with interviews set up with people like Gerry Ryan and Matt Cooper. It seems like a good idea to write it all down. 

I'll be posting a couple of times a day - all about the book, what's happening now and, of course, what life was like back in the grim old days. 

Writing the book was a big challenge. I'm not used to locking myself away for hours on end, but but it was worth it in the end.